27 December, 2011

End Of The Year Blogs Still Suck


The views and opinions expressed in this article are those only of the author and may only coincidentally reflect those of Mystic Metals, its employees, or associates. All responses should be posted as comments here, or mailed directly to the author, A. Robert Basile, at ihatebasile@gmail.com.
Mail sent directly to Mystic Metals will not be read.


End Of The Year Blogs Still Suck
12.27.11
End of the year, children. Another fine year of writing for you cats and kittens. Hopefully I didn’t disappoint every week. Just some weeks. They all can’t be winners, can they. This is blog number 330, and although I haven’t posted each one (some of them will live forever in mysterious obscurity on my hard drive), it still means that with three more blogs, I’ll be a third of the way to a thousand. There’s something exciting about that, isn’t there? No? Yeah, well, that’s the best I got. Let’s move on. This is how my year shaped up.
2011 was a bum year for super villains, wasn’t it. Yeah, the world lost some evil motherfuckers, and regardless of your political stance, we have to at least come close to agreeing that the world is a better place without them. We also (and by we I mean the world, I guess) lost some people whom the average, uneducated youth of America could probably more easily recognize than the terrorists and dictators who’ve met their grizzly ends. Jane Russell, Elizabeth Taylor, Nate Dogg (whoever that is), Randy Savage, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, Joe Frazier, Steve Jobs, Patrice O’Neal, and of course the Slovak football player (soccer) Jan Poplihar. Deaths of the year lists always make me feel old. They always include at least one or two people from my youth. Like, Randy Savage? Are you serious? I mean, that’s sad and tragic and all of that, but man, how old am I? OK, that’s pretty insensitive. Let’s get off the dead people.
There were a bunch of kick ass records that I’ve enjoyed this year. New records from Primus, Otep, Motorhead, Megadeth, Machine Head, Cavalera Conspiracy, Bootsy Collins, Amorphis, (figuring out how to sneak the new Adele in here without looking like a sissy), and Devildriver. My favorite record of this year, though, is probably “Last Night On Earth” by Elysian Fields. It’s a gorgeous jazz, indie, poetically dark New York scene vocal beauty. I’ve been a fan of them for a long time, and this record is really something special. Go check it out. The new Megadeth, “Th1rt3en” is fantastic too, and “Unto The Locust” by Machine Head oughtn’t be missed either.
You kids also know that I’m into movies, and I’ve watched an obscene amount of blu-rays this year too. I don’t go to the theatre for reasons I can’t explain. Mainly because I don’t know why I don’t go to the theatre. I think the last flick I saw in the theatre was “Tron: Legacy” with Dan. We were two of about eight people in the theatre. Dan was wearing his Olive Garden uniform, and I was trying to figure out how to wear the 3D glasses over my real glasses so that they wouldn’t dig into the bridge of my nose. All the while, like an asshole child, Dan was ducking during the trailers saying things like, “It’s like it’s really there!” and “It really is the third dimension!” just to be a dickhead. Some of the highlights of my movie watching this year included “The Perfect Host,” “I Saw The Devil,” “Captain America,” “Hobo With A Shotgun,” “X-Men: First Class” (despite what my friend Dee thinks. He doesn’t read this shit anyway, right asshole?), and “Monsters.” I did well with the blind buying this year. Of course, there were some regrettable blind buys like “Red Riding Hood,” which was nearly unwatchable. In case you’re keeping score, “The King’s Speech” won this year’s best picture (didn’t see it), Natalie Portman won for “Black Swan,” (didn’t see it), “Toy Story 3” won for best animated (saw it and cried like a girl), and “God Of Love” won for best live action short film (didn’t see it). 
I got a Nook this year (and one of my books will be available on it as soon as Isz and Steph get my a cover photo; that’s right, I’m calling you out, my lovely little indecisive ladies), so I’ve read some great stuff. Red Dragon, Silence Of The Lambs, and Hannibal, all by Thomas Harris; Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs; A Scanner Darkly and Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick; John Dies At The End by David Wong; Children Of Men by P.D. James; and Cobb by Al Stump. I also started Imajica by Clive Barker, Hannibal Rising by Thomas Harris, Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis, and a reread of Lord Of The Flies by William Golding, and American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. The Nook has been a great little technological addition to my life. Dan had to tell me to stop bringing it to gigs and reading in between sets. I’d have liked to read more this year, buy I only got the bookreader in May or June. I plan to read more this year. That’s one of those resolution things that everyone forgets they made when they wake up on January first at three in the afternoon after a night out celebrating the new year’s coming in a blaze of glorious drinking and promiscuity. Yay tradition!
The highlight of my year was actually two things. The first was the first date with my current girlfriend Nanci. Our first date was January fifteenth, and the fresh and beautiful getting-to-know-you bliss of meeting someone has very much yet to dissipate. She is beautiful and wonderful and the most perfect compliment to my quiet insanity. Without her, this year would have been one of the more difficult of my life. She’s taught me that I deserve happiness too, that I am allowed to be loved for who I am, that I am much more than a pair of broken legs, that sharing and knowing feelings and bothers and joys and miseries helps to share my Atlas stone. Her arms are great and wonderfully strong things to take from my shoulders my stone, and hopefully, I’ve done for her a third of what she’s done for me. This is going to be one of those long term things, so be prepared to hear about her a lot, kids. Also, she bellydances and knits, so I’ve learned a lot about those this year. She doesn’t do them at the same time, though. I bet she could. That would be a sight to see. That’s got Coney Island Freakshow written all over it.
The other highlight of my year (which is a dumb thing to say because one has to be higher light than the other, right?) is that my grandmother is still alive. Some time in 2010, my grandmother, the most beautiful woman alive, was discovered with stage four cancer of the lungs and other organs. Last Christmas (not last week, but in 2010) was one of the most emotionally difficult moments of my life, as with my family gathered around, we all cried as my grandmother poured about how that would be the last Christmas she’ll have and how she doesn’t want to die. She saw last week’s Christmas and she isn’t dead, and I’ve never been happier that someone I love was as wrong as can be. God blessed us with at least another year of her life, and though I am very much one of those people who say that if you want to be dead, you ought to let death come with his vapor breath and scythe and cloak and not delay the inevitable since the last years are ones that seem the least pleasant. That theory works fine for myself, I think, but I am glad my beautiful grandmother and family think my theory is absurd and wrong. I love her very much, and this year’s difficulty with chemotherapy and radiation and bad weeks and good weeks and tiredness and abandoning familiar life behaviors is very much outweighed by my grandmother at the dinner table saying, “Come talk to your grandmother. You have nothing to say? Well, think of something and then tell me.”
Also, with my grandmother’s decay and my own erosion into a further circle of handicap hell, my mother has been the most firm pillar of strength anyone has ever seen. My old man was forced into retirement as well, and my mother has taken the reigns of an out of control stagecoach and steered it into a normalcy and peaceful doing. She is the strongest person alive, taking on her shoulders the burdens of a thousand people. She methodically and quietly gets shit done. I can’t imagine her watching her own mother fight for life, her son fall to biological pieces further every day, manage her daughter’s wedding, succeed at her job, take over a new role in the household with my father’s retirement, and still remember a passing conversation with my girlfriend about a lost bracelet to where she buys one like it for her for Christmas. I’ve never seen my mom without a shirt on (which in thirty-one years of life, I’m glad about), but I am certain she has wings hidden because she is an angel.
So that’s my year in a nutshell, or more accurately, a boring blog. Hopefully you cats and kittens read some of my shit and looked at things differently for at least a moment or two. Hopefully you’ve seen some beauty you’d otherwise have not seen. Hopefully you have passed along to a stranger the gift of beauty that he didn’t realize that he had hidden beneath years of other corrosive shit. I’m no sage or prophet or even a relevant voice in the grand scheme. But I think I know what beauty is from years of thinking it didn’t exist in me, and I hope that this, another year of my shooting my face off about it helped you cats and kittens see that without having to have the doubt in it that I had. I’ll take care of the doubt if you guys take care of getting the word out that we are all beautiful. If I’ve convinced two people in all of this passed year, then we’ve had a good year.
Stay beautiful, kids. Stick to your resolutions if you make them, and try to make realistic ones. ‘Becoming King Of The Moon’ is not a very achievable resolution. Or maybe it is. Just remember that I can play music, so I’ll be a moon court minstrel in your moon kingdom. Don’t behead me when you take power. I’ll even wear the hat with bells on it and the funny shoes. I’m drawing the line at the tights, though. What a waste of a conclusion paragraph. See you all at the turn of the year. Stay beautiful, kids. 

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22 December, 2011

A Cat Named Q, And I Still Hate Casinos


The views and opinions expressed in this article are those only of the author and may only coincidentally reflect those of Mystic Metals, its employees, or associates. All responses should be posted as comments here, or mailed directly to the author, A. Robert Basile, at ihatebasile@gmail.com.
Mail sent directly to Mystic Metals will not be read.


A Cat Named Q, And I Still Hate Casinos

12.22.11
Merry Christmas, kids. One more week left in the year, so we’ll save the year end bullshit for next week. This week we’ll try to talk about something that seems interrelated to the spirit of the holiday, or some such nonsense. Not to be left out, happy Hanukkah to my Jewish readers and friends. Festival of lights and the oil and the dreidel and all of that. For some reason, dreidel isn’t in my writing software’s dictionary. Oh wait, yeah it is. I spelled it wrong. I fixed it though. So you’ll never know how I first spelled it. Oh, science! OK, let’s continue.

I’m going to talk about what the season does to people. How it breeds out of character behavior, and hypersensitivity to things atypical to the other eleven months. For context, I’m going to tell you about my singer, Q. 
Q, whose name is Marquis for those keeping an ‘Andy’s Cover Band Fantasy Team,’ sings in my band. Tall, thin, ostentatious black dude who has some quality pipes. For singing, you dirty children. He plays some keys too, and is a stellar gig riotstarter. He yells a lot to the audience. He can take a joke. He can go home with any girl there. He’s my friend, and he did something special the week.
He’s a special guy, Q is. Without revealing too much of his personal life, he’s seen some strife and tragedy. I tend to not hang out with those who haven’t, it seems. But he’s an interesting cat. Full of energy and opinion and talent. Recently, we gigged at a casino bar.
If you read me often, you’ll know how much I loathe casinos. I may hate gambling as much as I hate drinking, but I’ll have to do some more research before I reach that conclusion. This place we gigged last week isn’t the worst casino we play. Not nearly as depressing as some others, and for some reason, our crowd there is pretty receptive. Casino crowds are odd. You’re not really playing for a group of people who are interested in sitting and watching a band play. They are a transient crowd; they walk from one machine to the next, one table to the next, and when their throats get a little dry, they wander into the nearest booze slinger and sidle up next to another gambler on break (or prostitute, of which there are many) and drink to recharge while tossing a couple dollars into the video poker machines that are strategically built into the bar. The faces at most casino gigs are ever changing, but at this place, we seem to keep people. At least, all of the times I’ve played there. I’ll save you the details of the shitfaced woman at the front of the stage that we kept calling (on mic) kangaroo, or the details of the guy who looked like Michael McDonald, or the homeless guys who got kicked out, or Dan and Q both standing on a table while singing; a table that looked ready to collapse at any moment. I will tell you, though, that this bar is kind of shitty, and it is literally stuffed under an escalator that leads to the buffet. They have bowls of pretzels at the bar, though. That’s pretty cool.
So that’s the place. (A place that has ‘dolphin’ in the name, yet the giant sign has a tuna on it.) In between sets last week, of which we are required to play four at this gig (boo), Q went to play a casino game. He came back quickly before the next set, and this was our conversation:
Q (holding up a stack of chips): Check it out.
Dan: What’s that?
Q: I just won some money.
Dan: You’re kidding me.
Me: Doing what?
Q: Craps. Never played before. Put $20 down, and bam. $400.
Dan: Man, fuck you.
Me: Seriously, you asshole.
Then Q bought everybody drinks. Times I wish I drank. I’d have ordered one of those $75 martinis with the kind of shit in it that oughtn’t be in a martini. Like cumquats. We played our next two sets, which was fun and filled with on mic jokes about people watching us, and requested songs that we don’t usually play. I’m sure they sounded peachy. There was some good natured ballbreaking about the money Q won, and at the end of the night (after the bartender gave Dan a phone number left for him by a legitimate prostitute) we packed up and went home.
The next day we went to a holiday party at a club we play frequently. Q was there and he, Dan and I had a good time. (This is where the point comes in; ready?) Marquis and I had this conversation:
Q: Yo, you remember that money I won?
Me: Yeah. You going to give me some, you prick?
Q: No, man. Well, I went to PJ’s to have a drink.
Me: In Township?
Q: Yeah. They were having a toy drive for Christmas. I took the money and bought toys and brought them there.
Me: No shit? That’s incredible, bro.
Q: Yeah. I feel really good about it.
Ho, ho, ho. Therein lies the point. Q, who by a stranger’s eye always has his switch firmly in the on position; Q, who routinely talks (and walks) a huge game with the ladies and the fun; Q, who is always “shuffling” to those who know what that means (and I just learned myself because I’m an old metalhead) took a simple thing that I hate, gambling, and turned it into one of the things that I celebrate, bringing happiness and joy to strangers. Marquis is my friend, and I know of his goodness and gladness and open-heartedness, but those who only see him on stage singing and shouting and doing the aforementioned shuffling may not. You kids should know of his goodness.
The greater arc here too is not about charity so much as it is about bringing happiness and beauty to people you’ll never meet or with whom you have no intention of forming a lasting relationship. I suppose that is charity, but in my experience of being a lame (that’s biblically lame, not in reference to my love of crap that is super nerdy) charity can be a four lettered word. I have a problem with accepting help and handouts. I think most of us with an inkling of self pride will concur. Part of that is my difficulty in bisecting charity from pity, and this donation of Q’s time and money with the toy drive is neither. It is the right thing to do, and the right thing to do is never in concert with pity.
This is sizing up to be one of those ‘go do something nice for someone because it’s Christmas and Jesus will love you more and Santa will bring you less coal’ kind of things, but it really isn’t. It doesn’t matter that it is Christmas. Well, it does in terms of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but I’ll keep that bit to myself so someone doesn’t call me a moron on the Mystic Facebook again. This is one of those examples of finding beauty in others and drawing it out to the light. I talk about this frequently, so you cats and kittens know that this isn’t Frosty the Snowman or Rudolph or Santa or that stupid dentist elf inspired. Not entirely, anyway. It is easier to remember around this year ending time. But giving a kid a toy something reminds him of his value, his beauty, and his worth. It’s not so much about the haves sharing with the have-nots, though that is a key component. It’s about saying to someone, ‘Hey, you’re beautiful and you have value beyond what you may think.’ What’s interesting about that is that if you walk up to a stranger and say, “Hey, you’re beautiful and you have value beyond what you may think,” you’re a creepshow to most. But if you buy a toy for a kid and silently hand it to him; if you hand a dollar to a homeless guy; if you give a cigarette to a guy asking for one; if you buy a round of drinks for strangers; if you hold the door at the Wawa; if you yield the parking spot you’ve been waiting for to the other person waiting; if you smile and say ‘thank you’ to a stressed holiday help cashier; if you pick up the bottle the baby in the carriage threw on the floor unbeknown to the mother; if you pay the toll at the bridge for the cat behind you who let you in ahead of him during rush hour; if you do these things, you’re actually saying to that person, ‘I recognize your beauty, and I appreciate that you are beautiful’ in a way they’ll not dismiss. That’s what Q did with the toys and the craps money. That’s Christmas. That’s what we see, isn’t it. In the modified community. We see beauty, and we see it everyday, don’t we. Not just Christmas time, but every time. Every other time of the year, there are gifts to give as well. Subtle and as important. Like playing bass for people who had a rough day at work, who just want to forget the day, drink a beer and listen to music and dance. That’s a gift to people that I give, and in my bass playing, I tell them, ‘Hey, it’s cool. Your day didn’t make you unbeautiful, you’ve just forgotten for a moment. This is my reminding you.’
So Merry Christmas, kids. Go enjoy your family and friends around a dead turkey stuffed with bread. Go smile at a stranger. Go look into the sky alone at night and smile at yourself. Go be beautiful as the year ends, and think more on the beautiful happenings of the year rather than the tragic happenings of the year. Go be beautiful. Man, that wasn’t so bad. I should have saved that for the year end blog. Damnit; now I have to come up with something better. Stay beautiful, kids. 



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13 December, 2011

Humbug To Krumpets, And Other Nudie Nonsense


The views and opinions expressed in this article are those only of the author and may only coincidentally reflect those of Mystic Metals, its employees, or associates. All responses should be posted as comments here, or mailed directly to the author, A. Robert Basile, at ihatebasile@gmail.com.
Mail sent directly to Mystic Metals will not be read.


Humbug To Krumpets, And Other Nudie Nonsense

12.12.11
Christmas is coming, in case you didn’t notice. It’ll be here pretty soon, and you should have probably started shopping for the people for whom you’re going to buy crap. And just so you know, if you’d like to send me some wishes for the season, say ‘Merry Christmas.’ Because it’s Christmas Day not Holidayday. Whether you believe in Christ or not, just say Merry Christmas and don’t be a dick about it. Or if you’d like to be a dick about it, don’t celebrate SAINT Valentine’s Day or SAINT Patrick’s Day. This is me being a dick, by the way. Just say Merry Christmas. Santa will be happy that you did. And you don’t want to piss of Santa, do you. Do you? You do? Lunatic.

Speaking of Christmas (A. Robert Basile; King of All Segues), twenty five years ago in July we were all given a gift. A nationwide present that would give us endless joy and a perception of hope and gladness. Yes, we were all gifted with an extra Christmas Day on July 2nd, 1986. A great day indeed. What was the gift that we received? The summertime Christmas gift? The blessing of all blessings? Lindsey Lohan.
Why would I ever want to talk about Lindsey Lohan? I ask myself that same question nearly everyday. Well, the days that I forget to take my pills, anyway. She’s a blessing to the world, and I’m not just talking about my love for “Machete,” the third greatest movie of all time. Ms. Lohan is a wonderful example of the American Dream. Except not very much at all. With the prison and shitty movies and the drugs… Well, maybe she is the American Dream. See also; [huge list of celebrities] But she is truly a grand Christmas gift to us.
And soonly, she’ll be unwrapped for us all. (And the segues keep coming) That’s right, as you’ve probably heard, she’s in this popular men’s magazine called Playboy Magazine. Have you heard of this periodical? Apparently, and don’t quote me on this, ladies (often of ill repute) remove their clothing and allow individuals with photo taking machines to commit to chemical science the women’s nudity for printing in the pages of this particular nationally circulated printed micro book. Wild stuff, man. They also have a sports section and a fiction section that’s actually really good. So our American sweetheart Lindsey is participating in this photo nudity thing that’s happening. That in itself isn’t interesting because honestly; who didn’t see that coming? I’m actually surprised it wasn’t Swank, and if you read Swank, you’re a dirty, dirty, dirty child. Shame on you. I’m looking at you, Dan and Matt.
Right, so this isn’t news. What is news is that her photos have been leaked. Well, that in itself isn’t news either, but the relevance is this: Playboy has airbrushed our her modifications. Took me five hundred words to get there, but that’s the point. Let’s talk about this.
I feel as if I mentioned this in another blog, which I know I have, but I forget about whom and my laziness and addiction to video games prevents me from taking the two seconds to look it up. But I can remember that it has happened, so that tells me that Playboy has a history of doing this. Is this a smart thing to do? Is it disingenuous? Or is it selling appropriately to their demographic? Also, is this blog fluff? That answer, a clear yes.
Everyone who has ever hid a Playboy between his mattress and box spring knows that Playboy likes the airbrush. It doesn’t take a cat with 20/20 vision (which, if the joke is right, he doesn’t have) to notice the inhuman textures and touchups. That’s fine, in a way. It’s OK because Playboy sells a certain product that its readers expect. Unrealistically beautiful women with tiny waists, breast sizes that defy the physics of said waist size, strange settings that occasionally feature horses, and answers to interview questions like, ‘I aspire to be a comparative dental morphologist or maybe a Coyote Ugly girl; whichever! [smiley face or heart].’ It’s Playboy. We know what we’re getting. Yet, there is an odd hypocrisy, or rather a counter-intuition that speaks through the no mod airbrushing.
Playboy has been an interesting American enterprise since December of 1953 when the greatest baseball wife of all time (that’s Marilyn Monroe), with a grand and playful smile and whimsical gesture of her left hand, graced the cover of the first issue. There has always been an interesting argument of whether the magazine is true pornography, or a celebration of contemporary women’s beauty. It seems as if there has never been an agenda by the publication to push a certain style or aesthetic of women, rather, the magazine has (literally) taken snapshots of contemporary women’s perception of aesthetic. Compare the 1974 Playmate of the Year’s pictorial of Cyndi Wood to that of 2008’s Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole. The only thing they have in common is a stupid first name. The photos seem to capture the timber of contemporary beauty of that year, or that era of style and aesthetic. Playboy is an interesting chronicle of the evolution of women’s aesthetic and concepts of beauty.
Which is why there is a certain, oddly shaped hypocrisy in their airbrushing of tattoos. One could argue that  body modification has become part of that feminine beauty evolution. Shit, find me a stripper without a navel ring and I will give you my stupid and incontinent dog. What a bargain there. With that contemporary evolution of the feminine aesthetic comes tattoo modification. We all know the history of women and modification, I’ve written about it. We all know the fifties perception of women and mods, into the sixties through the eighties and now today. Tattoo modification for many women have become another tool with which to display their own beauty. It’s a wonderful thing to see, the embracing of our mod culture in a distinct and clear personification of its own beauty. Mods on women is still a contemporary thing in terms of social acceptance, especially in celebrity. If you search tattoo on the internet, you’ll get many aghast gossip rag articles about a woman celebrity getting her nth tattoo, as if it were big news. But if my assumption is correct that Playboy Magazine commits to its pages the contemporary view of the beauty of women as it is today, at this moment, then would they not benefit from photographing the modified woman as part of its anthropological study of what we in 2011 or 1983 or 1954 find to be the archetype of nude beauty? Does that make any sense at all? I just reread that sentence six times.
The point is this: The tattooed woman is this generation’s Venus de Milo. With arms. That are tattooed. Contemporary media that aims to provide an accurate view of what we in this generation and social timber believe is the accurate representation of beauty ought to strive to produce photographic art that encapsulates this flavor of beauty. Playboy Magazine ought to recognize this as well. If it is supposed to be the magazine that pushes the edge of contemporary beauty and acceptance of the nude beauty of women, then proudly displaying the modifications of women seems to be very much congruent to that goal. I mean, shit; look at the vagina forests that are happening in some of those seventies and eighties back issues. That’s far from what is contemporary now, I think. Or maybe it’s coming back. Or maybe that’s a point that I thought I could make that fell flat on its muff. (This cheap joke brought to you by…)
I think women are the most perfect creation on earth, and I’m not just saying that because the majority of my readers are women. But that may have something to do with it. I also think that the accurate representation of what women are ought to be displayed proudly and without reservation. Playboy, albeit a magazine targeted at men yet still including a 17.3% women’s readership, ought to take this as an opportunity to proudly share with all of its readers the variety of beauty that we accept in our society. Modification is definitely one of those beauty elements that oughtn’t be ignored. As a photographic anthropology of women in our culture, Playboy may have (dare I say it) a responsibility to accurately represent the aesthetic of the time in their printings. Still, at the end of the day, the magazine is going to sell because crazy ol’ jailbird Lindsey Lohan is showing her chooch in print; I’m not entirely sure if the magazine’s subscribers care that her mods are painted out. I just hope she’s ready to go for “Machete Kills,” and “Machete Kills Again.” And if she isn’t? Humbug to that krumpet. Stay beautiful, kids. 



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07 December, 2011

Beauty Corrosion And The Rare Weewee Root


The views and opinions expressed in this article are those only of the author and may only coincidentally reflect those of Mystic Metals, its employees, or associates. All responses should be posted as comments here, or mailed directly to the author, A. Robert Basile, at ihatebasile@gmail.com.
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Beauty Corrosion And The Rare Weewee Root

12.7.11

I saw someone at the bookstore today whom I’ve not seen in quite a while. It was a wonderful meeting, and a very holiday type of serendipity. You know those. It seems as if whichever store you go to to get that whatever bullshit thing that your whomever relative demands for whichever holiday you celebrate has crawling about it those you’ve not seen in months or years. Then you, obtrusively to the strangers waiting to pick up whatever useless item that the pair of you are obstructing, catch up on the major beats of whichever life events come to mind. Marriages and children and jobs and family you remember from that brief chapter of your life. It’s nice, and strange. It was great to see her and to catch up. This concludes my intro paragraph about whatever topic has come to mind that likely interests my readers very little.

Today, I would like to talk about a friend of mine. It’s not a biography or memoir of our relationship, but she is the context by which I’ll make my point. If I have one. I wouldn’t hold your breath about the ‘having a point’ thing.


To protect the innocent, I’ll call my friend Vee. Vee is a beautiful woman whom I’ve known for a little while. We’re not the ‘grab a cup of coffee at random’ type of friends, though we could be. An intelligent girl with a lighted laugh and sad but communicative eyes. Vee doesn’t love herself, and that corrodes her beauty. 


She’s a comparative woman. Whatever it is that she believes she ought to be, she measures with an imaginary yardstick of her conception of what should, ought, or would rather be. It is an unfair and self-fulfilling melancholy. I would never begrudge anyone’s ability to perpetuate his own woe, but when that individual looks to break that shackle, which Vee clearly does, then it’s a problem.


I’m the last person to be preaching about perpetuating misery. That’s my game, and I am an All-Star at it. I am the Ty Cobb of woe. Well, technically, Ty Cobb was the Ty Cobb of woe. I never liked what I was, and I don’t like what I am. Does it affect me? Absolutely, but the affect can only exist in the confines of the effect. So what is the effect? Being born broken, being a slave to the whirling dervish of brain activity that seems to never slow, being a party to the concept of ‘not like the others.’ But we all have these things, don’t we.


None of us are the archetype of the perfectly built human. After all, Bruce Lee is dead. He was probably the closest. That cat was gorgeous. We are all machines that work only on the preconceived idea that we are breaking down constantly. I mean, sure; Lou Ferigno is built like people probably ought to be built, but he’s corroding too. I know that when I was made, I was made broken. If I were some sort of thing in a box that you bought at a crowded holiday mall store, you’d bring it back before you used it once. But you didn’t, and now were here, broken to start but finding a usefulness.


I suppose too finding a usefulness is a goal we all have, whether we are aware of it or not. I think we all want to be the cat that the other cats and kittens around us want to count on. Andy will get my back. That’s a great feeling. Don’t forget to call Andy; he should be there too. Andy will get it done; he always gets shit done. That’s a good feeling. And it’s a feeling that I think is directly tethered to our own beauty. See how I make everything make sense? The sense of not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not being smart or useful or talented or unique enough is a hydrochloric and sizzling chemical turning the beautiful bronze of ourselves into a wretched, phlegm colored green corrosion. They say that when that first idea happened is when we started to nurture and grow the ideas in the greenhouses of our minds. Is that true? I’m sure my therapist would think so. (Love you, Jana!) And what happens when we have many moments? I suppose each of those moments is an ingredient in the gruel that we see our lives as being. I’ll share one of mine, then you share one of yours. Deal? You don’t have to share it to me. As long as you share it with someone. Your cat counts.


I think I was nine or ten years old. I could have been younger. I was at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. Dr. Brill was the main character’s name. An old man, likely dead now, with a five o’clock shadow which was better described as an eleven-thirty o’clock shadow, and a spiced cologne from a bottle with curves and (to take the words of Dr. Lecter) a boat on the bottle. His hands were cold, my folks were in the room, and the examining table was dressed in the finest linens of paper on a roll. I was asked to undress so he could examine my spine and penis and other things that ought to stay hidden by clothing. I wouldn’t take my shirt off, a button down thing with blue and white stripes. I tried to pull it down far enough to cover my penis, but it was well too short. He examined me, and I remember it frequently.


Now, why did I share that story? Because I am still beautiful. Right, Vee? I am still valuable. Right Vee? I am still in possession of myself and my shame and my glory and my beauty. Right Vee? I am still beautiful. I didn’t share this story for pity or any kind of reaction other than to have context. I did share it because sharing is more valuable than hiding or keeping. This story is one of a million (well, maybe a thousand) that frame my perceptions of self and self worth. Who can have value when an old, unshaven, stinky cologne man is running his ungloved fingers over your spine and unmentionable parts and into crevasses that aren’t designed to have things put into them? I can, and I do, simply by the virtue of my life. If one lives, one is beautiful, which by logic would tell me that you are beautiful because you’re reading this and dead things can’t read.


Finding value and worth and beauty. That’s what I was originally going to write about, but I think I missed the mark a bit. Still, I think you kids have read me enough to understand my mode of thinking. The point is that Vee has beauty and value whether she can see it our not. One of the steps to accepting that is trust. Trust is a difficult thing to acquire, especially when there are those in the past who have scientifically disproven the existence of it. But trust is the lynchpin. You kids, Vee included, ought to believe me when I say that you are beautiful. You must trust me because you’ve not a reason not to. What do I have to gain from your recognition of your own beauty? Nothing, really. It makes me feel good, I’ll give you that. But if you dismiss me when I tell you of your worth and beauty, then you are doing a disservice to us both. You are denying your inalienable quality of beauty, and you’re calling me a liar. I try not to lie. I did learn, though, that the same guy who invented Uggs took a cyanide pill after he was captured by the mountain monsters of Maya on an excursion to find the rare weewee root that can cure wind related eye watering. True story.


I think I’ve made my point, and so I’m going to work on the four other projects I have going whose windows are opened on my computer and are staring at me with ‘why are you neglecting me’ kind of hungry kitten eyes. You are beautiful, and so is Vee. Go tell someone. That person deserves to hear it. Stay beautiful, kids.




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