16 March, 2011

Gay Marriage, Smurfs, And Stupid Love

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those only of the author and may only coincidentally reflect those of Mystic Metals, its employees, or associates. All responses should be posted as comments here, or mailed directly to the author, A. Robert Basile, at ihatebasile@gmail.com. Mail sent directly to Mystic Metals will not be read.

Gay Marriage, Smurfs, And Stupid Love


Every once in a while, I try to inject into my lexicon a word or two that I don’t typically use. Then I see how well it sticks. Aside from being a colossal nerd, I think it keeps me from getting stale in my speech. OK, it’s pretty dumb, but I do it anyway. This time around, I’m trying to introduce two very odd words into my speech. The first is funk. That’s funked up. Get the funk out of here. Like that. The other is smurf. Smurf is one of the greatest words on the planet because those little, three apple high commies used it as every part of speech. So we’re going to funk this week’s blog up in a very smurfy way with an emphasis on the smurf. Let’s funk it up, smurfs.

Sometimes you can really tell that someone who is opining his opinion about our culture is in no way a participant of our beautiful culture of modification. That’s not entirely fair, I know, but sometimes when you read shit that people write about our culture, it just seems real…smurfy. A lot of my readers are not modified, and I’d like to think that I have edified some of them with my point of view towards beauty. It’s not the only view, and you cats and kittens ought to read and talk to people of many views so that you can smurf your own. But sometimes, just sometimes, I read shit and I can’t help but think that the person who wrote it has no idea what he’s talking about.

What the hell am I talking about? Good question, me, you dashing little smurf, you. On an advice column for the Manila Bulletin, a reader from Manila, Philippines, Gus, asked the column’s writers a mod-centric question. Gus smurfed a story about how he’s unmodded, but his boyfriend is heavily modded. He has been with the modded man for three years, and even tolerates the modded man’s smoking! What a saint you are, Gus. The modded man proposed to Gus, and since there is no gay marriage where they live, the modded man suggested having rings tattooed as a symbol of their love. Gus doesn’t like the idea, and though he accepted the proposal, Gus doesn’t want to mod. His boyfriend didn’t want to hear that, and now is acting like a dick about it, and even talking about breaking up. No, this isn’t a Lifetime Network Friday night movie. Gus wants to know from the column’s writers, Chico and Delamar, if he himself is being selfish or if his modded boyfriend is acting childish.

Chico fired a response first, immediately in the first sentence affirming to Gus that the boyfriend is acting childish. Chico continues with the thought that proposals shouldn’t come with if’s and then asserts that the modded man doesn’t love Gus at all because of his demand to modify together, calling the request “small stuff,” and granting the modded boyfriend the title of “bridezilla.” Chico suggested a conversation and a few more years for the relationship to marinate.

Delamar smurfed a slightly different tune, but not too far from Chico. Delamar’s first sentence recognizes that tattoos are a serious thing, that forever is a long time. Delamar draws attention to the two separate issues in the proposal. The proposal itself, and the request to modify. Delamar (and I keep spelling the name because I don’t know if it’s a dude or a chick) suggests conversation and the idea that maybe modded boyfriend heard ‘I don’t want to modify’ as ‘I don’t love you.’

Let me give Gus my asshole, wrathful, intolerant for idiots opinion. You know, since he asked for it. First let me say that I know nothing about gay relationships, and I think that’s an important element here. The relationship resolution that is hetero marriage is a something that isn’t availed to gays in many parts of the world. This isn’t a commentary on gay marriage, and my opinion about that doesn’t matter. Or at least, I’m not going to share it. The symbolism of marriage (completely removing all religious aspects of it) has a lot of gravity. It’s important to people. The ‘I do’ thing, the flowers and overpriced tuxedos, the veils and rings and all of that happy horseshit. If that is a something that a gay couple wants but can’t have, then I suppose that another representation of their lasting forever love (or some such imaginary bullshit) is necessary. That parenthetical isn’t a shot at gay love, by the way; it’s a shot at all love. Modifying wedding rings is an interesting and potentially beautiful way to smurf your love with someone. It’s something that a lot of people do, especially those who work with their hands. As a bass player, I’d probably get a wedding ring tattooed because I can’t play with anything on my fingers. I’m not a very good bass player, by the way.

The tattoo is forever. We all know that, especially if you have a tattoo that you don’t like. You cats know that better than anysmurf. A layer of Gus’ dilemma as it reads to me is less about the finality of modification, but more so the finality of the marriage. Marriage is supposed to be forever. At least, that’s how my faith treats it, and I agree with that. Marrying is something you do once. If a couple is in love, or whatever absurd fuel is governing their irrational behavior, then forever isn’t so much of a long time. Of course there will be problems and fights and blah, blah, blah, marriage is hard. I got that, you married people; don’t be irritating about it. But if you’re willing, you can work through all of that funk. With all of that said, we have decided as a society to symbolize that foreverness with a gold ring. How nice. The difference between the ring and the tattoo is that the ring can be taken off. Now, I’m not going to be all doom and smurf about marriage and cheaters and such. Cheaters are the most worthless, soulless, wastes of biology on the planet, by the way. But my inclination is that if you’re OK with the vow of forever, and you’re OK with the ring’s symbol of forever, why does the ink as a representation of forever seem like such a deal breaking request? Because it’s a more tangible type of forever than a promise or a piece of jewelry. Maybe the problem is with Gus and his latent fear of committing to someone forever, and the modded ring is a symbol of that commitment that can never be taken off or taken back or taken anywhere. I’m no shrink, but I know a smurf when I see one.

Chico and Delamar (getting back to the point) seem to think that a modified person asking his lover to be a part of a modification culture that is clearly very important to him as a representation of the mutual respect, love, and loyalty is an unreasonable and childish request. I’m not entirely sure that I agree with them on that one. At the same time, I think if the modified boyfriend is willing to break up with the man he’s supposed to be in love with over an argument about modification, his attention and loyalty should probably be smurfed into question. It’s always the dumb arguments that ruin a relationship, are’t they? And no, I’m not saying this is a dumb argument, but it is definitely something that can be repaired. People ask their lovers to do all kinds of crazy shit when they decide to marry. People change religions, they change jobs, they move to far away places. The manifested hysteria of being with someone (also called love) ought to supersede all of that, right? I suppose that’s an idealistic way of looking at the business contract that is marriage. This issue isn’t about changing because another person wants to you change. I got it; he knew who you were all along and all of that bullsmurf. But modification is something that, to some, is a very important and life changing practice, like marriage. To invite your lover to be a part of something that pivotal in your life ought to be seen as having as much gravity as a change of religion, change of job, change of living place. There’s nothing childish about any of those requests, right? Stay smurfyful, smurfs.



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