06 May, 2010

The Survey Says, You’re A Whore

The Survey Says, You’re A Whore

1.20.10


I think the Doors were my first favorite band when I was little. Of course, when you’re little, you are kind of subjected to the likes and dislikes of your folks until your little putty brain grows large enough to formulate its own irritating opinions. Then relationships, school, important people and experiences mold your tiny Play-Doh subjectivity into a more coherent stance, like squeezing it through the plastic thing that makes the Play-Doh into spaghetti. But the Doors have stuck with me into adulthood, and I very much enjoy them. I’m listening to them now thinking about what a big hippie douche Jim Morrison was, and how if I were a youth at the height of their popularity, I’d likely have shunned them. Still, “Peace Frog” is pretty dope.

So what do your tattoos say about you? What’s that? Your mods are for you and not an encyclopedia into your inner psyche for an onlooker to decode unless invited to? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Apparently, Judi James has written a book that, in part, attempts to interpret modifications on a potential mate, and what those tattoos say about the person. She wrote a book. Who hasn’t right? (Please buy my books; I’m hungry.) But in an article in the Times Of India, which I assume is a paper of some kind, an unnamed author has written an article highlighting some of Judi James’ findings. Dig it here: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life/relationships/man-woman/Decode-your-partners-personality-with-tattoos/articleshow/5455311.cms. It’s some fun little fiction.

Judi James not only spells her name with an ‘i’ (which I really hope she dots with a heart), she is also some sort of behavioral studier, or relationship help person, or some other variation of a pointless job (he says as he posts a blog about a narrow culture). She outlines specific types of tattoo mods and what they speak to in terms of relationship. I read them all, of course, but I more closely read the ones that more accurately describe my modifications. Let’s all find out together! Isn’t this awesome? It’s like I just pissed on a pregnancy test and we’re going to altogether see if I’m knocked up! Christ…

Before we get there, though; let’s see what Judi James thinks about other modifications. She sees the dude with a small and traditional tattoo as one who is “not a daring guy” and more of the “dependable type.” The dame with tattoos everywhere is the kind “...likely to be an exciting and creative lover.” And the chick with mottos and messages “...is always in search of the perfect lover, which makes her not the perfect partner.” The bro with the animal tattoo, according to Judi, says that the wearer is saying, “I may not look like much but I’m actually strong and powerful” and he “...probably wants to be an animal in the bedroom.”

In the section of the article called, “How To Read HIS Tattoos,” Judi says this about movie related tattoos: “This is like a little kid dressing up in his favourite costume and identifying with his favourite superhero. Expect him to be a little boy with a big ego in a relationship.”

Now, you all know that I have a big assed shoulder tattoo of a facehugger from the movie “Alien.” I love this damned tattoo. Alex Feliciano at 12oz. Studios in Gloucester, New Jersey drew it up and stained it in. By virtue of my having this mod, according to Judi James, I am a little boy in a relationship and I am trying to play dress up. I know that these ‘results,’ much like the dumb slut on the Taco Bell diet commercial says, are not typical to all; but for a moment, let’s speak to the assumption that they are. At some point, I made a decision to have art inspired by H.R. Giger and personified by Ridley Scott placed into my skin for all of forever. This movie is a very important thing to me, like most people with favorite movies. “Alien” made me want to write movies, and made me want to scare my audience the way Scott scared me when I was little. The layers of the story and the ambiguity of the personality of the assumed antagonist is fantastically literary at best, and remarkably brilliant at worst. My opinion of Ridley Scott’s “Alien” notwithstanding, does my mod really speak to women as that I am a child who wants to play pretend in the reality of the film? From my point of view, unlikely. At first sight, my shoulder is just a badassed work of art from a killer movie. The layers of its importance to me come later with polite inquisition. I find it hard to believe that my ego can be determined by a picture of a creature from a movie released in ’79. Ought I tell Judi James about my plan to get artwork from “Oldboy” tattooed on my hand?

We are studied quite frequently, aren’t we? Does anyone else find that strange? We’re like a real world lab project. We go about our business, getting modded, going to work, loving our lovers, feeding our children, respecting those who demand respect; and some Mehoff (first name Jack) with a degree and a free pass to analyze our culture publishes some nonsense that most often grossly misrepresents the culture, or myopically dumps us all into the same tank; like pet store feeder crickets. I don’t really need a study of a dame’s mods to tell me she’s high maintenance, do I? I can just tell that by overhearing this broad at an adjacent table argue with her submissive boyfriend about which ivory color is the right kind of ivory color for the icing on their wedding cake.

Some us fulfill these judgements to be sure. That’s what makes these studies work, but the brush is so broad with which we are painted that these types of findings are often paraded like Mummers as fact. (If you don’t know what a Mummer is, you probably don’t live near Philly.) We know that often times these findings are more myth than fact. Our modifications do tell onlookers about us. They share our interests, our passions, our cares, and our perceptions towards aesthetic beauty. How does one ascertain my prowess and demeanor in the bedroom from the Frank Zappa mustache tattooed on my calf, or the intricately designed spine tattooed on my arm? (Both by Meghan Patrick at 12 Oz. Studios.) If this Judi James is actually a behavioral scientist of some kind, wouldn’t her services be put to better use studying why Ed Gein wore people’s faces, or why radicals continue to try to blow up planes? Seems more applicable to me than trying to poison women’s minds with what I may or may not behave like based solely on the ink in my skin.

Narrow and simple minded people, which I highly doubt includes you cats and kittens, will read this dribble and accept Judi James’ findings as fact solely because it appears in print. People like Judi James seem to enjoy using our culture to facilitate mistruths and conjecture without properly representing the culture they are studying. We are an interesting sect, modded people. Our desires to modify and beautify seem very vexing to learned people with nothing better to do than to prove a hypothesis. If Judi James is a true sociologist or anthropologist, than I would have to assume that her methods and fact gathering skills are scientific and accurate. A portion of my thinking, however, is commandeered with the notion that she just might be another worthless sex columnist who has run out of talking points for her books. What does my boyfriend’s tattoo tell me about him. What a retarded and pointless waste of mental energy. It says he’s part of one of the largest societies on the planet; a society that has been practicing its beliefs and interests nearly as long as man has been creating art. But simple conclusions don’t sell books, I’d wager. I really wish that these self proclaimed ‘experts’ would get off our modified sensibilities. You don’t see me walking around trying to ascertain what makes an unmodded person adverse to the art of modification. You know why? It doesn’t fucking matter. Go be unmodded; I don’t give the dried and disgusting feces encrusted on the hinge of a public toilet seat what you do. Do you treat people well? Do you facilitate the accepted systems and liberties that we enjoy? Do you respect yourself and others? Do you maintain a sense of your own beauty and the inalienable beauty that germinates in every person? Awesome. Keep it up, then. So do I; and look! I’m modified! What an invented paradox that is, huh? Stay beautiful, kids.





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1 comment:

  1. " I don’t give the dried and disgusting feces encrusted on the hinge of a public toilet seat what you do"


    Best.Line.Ever.

    ReplyDelete