11 March, 2010

Home Circumcisions Can’t Sound Like A Good Idea

Home Circumcisions Can’t Sound Like A Good Idea


There’s a lot of things that I hate. Hate is a strong word. No, hate is right. Well, maybe strongly dislike. I don’t really hate in the same way people who have meetings in stupid hoods hate. I guess hate has become one of those meaningless words. Like depression and love. I hate the Mets. I love donuts. Neither of these statements is true. Don’t get me wrong; donuts are the greatest pastry type of thing that has been oddly juxtaposed into a breakfast role ever; and I’d rather hear the death rattle of my first, second, and third born children than pull for the Mets. So I guess the moral of the story is to share with others. Also, I don’t hate nor love anything.

Sometimes, rather often, I hate people. (I guess that whole intro was a waste of time.) People do the stupidest shit. I mean, you see these reports about animals flipping shit and murdering people, and I’m inclined to think that this is God’s way of filtering out people who oughtn’t reproduce. Like the woman who got her fingers ripped off when trying to free a bear at the zoo. Or the woman who got drowned by the killer whale at that theme park. I guess that wasn’t really her fault. This isn’t about animals mauling people at all.

What this is about is my growing contempt for people. Like Thomas Heugel. Thomas Heugel is a waste of flesh and bone and brain and organs and other things people are made from. I guess I ought to explain who this guy is before passing judgment. Thomas Heugel was arrested recently for posing as a doctor and providing services. This isn’t all that earth shattering. I mean, I’m sure there are a ton of people who are doing that right now, which is a creepy assumption. What makes Thomas Heugel a special, special, special little guy is that he performed circumcisions and garnered a sexual satisfaction from it. So says his ex-boyfriend. In addition to the circumcisions (like that isn’t enough), Thomas Heugel performed massages, chiropractic like adjustments, and piercings. His actions are felonies and, if convicted, he’ll spend quite a bit of time in the clink. His ex-boyfriend plans to throw him under the bus at trial. I mean, testify.

We don’t have to really dig too far down in this story to see that this dude is severely fuct up. That’s a legal term. But there are a couple of elements to this story that deserve notice. The first thing is that this cat is prancing around under the guise of a medical type of person. There is a certain trust that we place in medical types. After the maddening bullshit that is trying to get an appointment and then waiting for a heinous amount of time in the office, we are escorted into a smaller room where we wait. This time, pants-less. The doctor comes in and speaks to us without looking at us, and uses strange tools and often his bare hands to tap and touch and somehow ascertain if there is a medical validity to the ills that we described to him a couple minutes beforehand. We trust him to do what he is trained to do, and to do it in an honest way. Thomas Heugel posing as a doctor, regardless of what he did while posing as the doctor, is a violation of the blind trust we have placed in our white coated man-gods.

Then there is Thomas Heugel’s actual behavior. He sold massages. Personally, I don’t like to be touched by much of anyone. The idea of a person rubbing his slimy hands on my skin parts literally makes my skin crawl. (There goes my skin, crawling away…) For those of you who are more comfortable with paying a stranger to touch you, you are assuming that the person is a professional. Again, you are trusting him to behave in a manner that befits his occupation. A professional atmosphere and a purposeful touching. Anyone whom you allow to touch you is being granted a great and often unwieldy power by you. I would hope that stranger is touching you within the interest of his expertise, and not in the interest of a creepy uncle with a windowless van.

Circumcision. There are those who prefer to spare their man babies the painful experience. There are those whose religion prevents it. There are those who happily allow a doctor to wiener slice their baby. Whatever your stance is on circumcision, it doesn’t matter. Your kid is your property; you can do whatever you want with it. What is important is that this guy, Thomas Heugel, was cutting the foreskins off of people without training or proper procedure. The article I read detailed a circumcision of a twenty-one year old Canadian. So, for a second, let’s entertain this. Thomas Heugel found a cat who was twenty-one years old who hadn’t been circumcised and had him agree to get his twenty-one year old foreskin detached from his twenty-one year old penis. I would have to assume that by that age, one would have a pretty solid relationship with his penis. Hey, how ya doing, buddy. What do you want to do today. That type of thing. I’m interested in knowing what uncircumcised person wakes one day and decides that twenty-one years of foreskin is enough. I guess the Canadian guy Thomas Heugel cut. Still, the Canadian wasn’t the only circumcision he did, and though the article didn’t talk about the others, it did say that the other circumcisions were adult men. Which is funny to include that they were men because women can’t really get circumcised, can they. The fun is in the details. I’m also curious as to how many adult men get proper circumcisions. I couldn’t find any real statistics, but I do know that sixty percent of man babies in the U.S. are circumcised. That info really doesn’t help me, though. I’m going to stop talking about circumcision.

Thomas Heugel also performed piercings for the folks that sought his services. We all know how I feel about butcher mod artists. Such a common occurrence is untrained, unlicensed piercing modification that it almost becomes a moot point to even mention it. Sadly, it is so prevalent in our society that it is almost a losing battle to try to stop it. Like teenage girls getting knocked up. It’s not going to stop, so we teach them to use a rubber instead. The theory there is that they’re going to plook around anyway. It’s an awkward admittance of defeat. This isn’t about teenaged pregnancy. I could care less about dumb girls ruing their lives. I don’t have to nail this Thomas Heugel for piercing people. He’s a scumbag degenerate waste of life for poisoning the perception of my culture. What perked my stretched ears up was the quote by is ex-boyfriend. He said, “...piercings is one thing, but when you cut somebody’s skin…” How dismissive is the ex-boyfriend’s perception toward piercing. I understand that in the context, the piercings seem much less sinister than guerrilla circumcisions (damn, I wrote circumcision again), but an untrained mongoloid with a piercing needle oughtn’t be so quickly dismissed under the gravity of the larger crimes he committed. Butcher modification is a real problem inside and outside of our culture. It breeds an accepted point of view of irresponsibility, a dismissive and cavalier attitude toward the importance of the art of modification, and endangers those involved by placing them perilously close to sickness and infection. We don’t need any of that shit in our culture, and we sure as shit don’t need people outside of our culture thinking that this is the way the majority of us behave because it isn’t.

Why did I write about this today? Good question. People will never cease to blow my mind. Sure, it’s one thing to have a belief and to behave in a way that facilitates that belief. Suicide bombers are fucking crazy, but they’re crazy with an inkling of their own theological basis. It’s another thing to do shit that can in no way sound like a good idea to any rationally thinking and fully evolved mammal. Freelance circumcisions, massages, and body piercings. People like this need to be locked up for a long time because clearly they are missing the part of their brains that scientists like to call the ‘good idea-bad idea protocol.’ Scientists don’t call it that. I made that part up. But seriously, maybe I’m too nearsighted to see the sanity suspended like fruit in the jello mold of crazy, but the rest of us go about our days knowing that we oughtn’t pose as a doctor and slice the penis of strangers, right? Right? People are remarkable things, aren’t they. Stay beautiful, kids.

Talk to A. Robert Basile on AIM at Basilephone
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  1. Hey Robert,

    I agree with most of what you just said. Except one thing:

    "Whatever your stance is on circumcision, it doesn’t matter. Your kid is your property; you can do whatever you want with it."

    Kids are not their parents property, and they cannot do whatever they want with them. Not even under the guise of religion. The courts have already ruled that children cannot be subjected to their parents religious rituals if those rituals cause them harm.

    The only reason circumcision continues is because not enough people have blown the whistle on it. If you're 18 (or even 16) and want to get circumcised, fine, that's completely your choice. But cutting baby penises is just harmful, whatever the excuse.

    And just to address the religious objections in advance, I present these


    "Cut: Slicing Through the Myths of Circumcision" a film by Eliyahu Ungar Sargon

  2. i don't mean to sound disrespectful, but take a chill pill caroline. this blog is here for us to read his opinions, and he's not even trying to encourage you to think the same. i think you are taking this blog a little too seriously. i strongly suggest reading mr. a.robert basile's books.
    but anyways!... i loved it andrew. i love thurdays! please keep up the amazing work! i need a laugh when i get home from calsses.

  3. dude.... seriously.

    OBVIOUSLY he doesn't believe kids are property. it's a joke. you're dumb, go die.

    i love you, andy. i got the joke.

  4. No, he wasn't joking... anyone that knows andy knows he doesn't joke. He just hates.

  5. You give me a reason to "love" Thursdays, please keep up the good work!